Wishing you well

I picked up my old phone, and I read some messages in it.

Time frame : jul-aug 2010.

I can't stop crying.

Why did I meet you?

i will never know why I fell in love with you.

You tried hard to help me move on. I think you felt my hurt, and you were trying to help me

I read those messages, I can feel your hurt

I can feel your pain

Sometimes you think I don't understand you, but I do.

In your mind, you think that I think you're a bad guy

Why do you think I fell for you?

Cos you have a good heart

I can still feel your pain

I sense your loneliness

I know your want of being with somebody, to be love, to give love.

xxx

I only want you to be happy

I honestly do

I'm sorry for the times in your life that things were hard and complicated.

I never meant it

The tears that fall from my eyes, they tell of the sincerity in myy wish for you to always be happy

I wish you will stop hurting inside

I hope you will find happiness

i can't give you the happiness you want

but I hope somebody will

I hope those Fridays when you drink your life out with alcohol in sadness will end

i hope your heart will stop aching

I hope you will be at peace

I will always pray that love, joy and happiness finds its way to you.

and

I hope I will stop crying, knowing that you are finally happy.

Day 5

My mood's a little better today. Got some procedures done at work, which is fulfilling.

But still unhappy as ever

xxx

Call from a friend, she seems to be going through the same thing. A phase, maybe?

Life is not suppose to be THIS hard. It is just not suppose to be this hard.

I like my work, I don't like the fear.

I don't like the patronizing atiitude.

I don't mind the hours on an on call day, but the rest of the days: I want time to myself.

and the PAY SUCKS. At least, if I got paid for the hours I put in, I'd be happy.

xxx

Meera says we should open a restaurant. Maybe we should

xxx

if workwas the only problem, maybe I'd be able to handle it

but

I'm dealing with all the other issues.

A friend, a person I care so much for is going distant....Maybe it's for the better, maybe it needs some getting used to

Why do I fall in love with people who don't feel the same way.

It's sucky. It's humiliating and embarrassing.

But i've told myself. As long as he is happy. Always.

xxx

What do I really want to do?

Day 4

When I was young I always used to be sad. And alone.

Was /is sadness inherited?

I didn't have the best childhood, but i t was ok.

I used to speak to my bag and school shoes. I told them, and the age of 8-9 years, I think, that, I am sad now but will be happy when I grow up.

Parents weren't at home, it was me , my rebelious brother and retarded sister. And the never ending house work.

So, yes I spoke to my bag and my school shoes. My school shoes had a mouth, you see, and it blabbered whenever I walked to school. Couldn't repair that one!

So now that I've grown up, am I happy?

Well the uni days of my grown up years were happy, at least the first two and a half years.

But

If I REALLY look back..there were similar days such as today where I am down, sad, and just sad. Yes, I said it twice.

So i have not really changed.

No progress.

Same old same old.

i used to sit in my room, stare out the window ask myself a million questions , cry, feel a lot of guilt, loneliness.

And it is STILL happening today.

xxx

A friend of mine seems a little distant. Yes we've had our history.

But I feel so detached.

it's weird.

One moment we're so close and just like that we aren't anymore.

Could I have done anything differently?
Could I have been a better friend?
Could I have been more understanding?

Maybe this is a beginning of a good thing? I mean, REALLY, who likes hanging around an emotional, irritating wreck?

I don't blame my friend.

xxx

Nischal, you're going back to when you were 12.

yes, the days now feel the same. Gloom and sadness.

When I felt that nobody cared

When aunties only wanted me around only because I was good with the cleaning and the baby sitting.

When we ran and hid in the room when the loansharks came knocking at the door.

When mummy was the only one working and the only one for us.

When I spent the whole day just talking to myself, cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.

Days I sat out the balcony waiting and waiting till night time for mummy to come back, for dinner, for some love. There were days I just fell asleep.

Why are the days feeling the same?

I don't like it.

Those days there was such gloom and misery. Fights, lack of money. Fear.
I don't know how else to explain that gloom.

I'm actually really scared.

People say you can control your emotions. I'm probably born without that ability.

Memories of years back..

I can't stand this gloom.

I can't hide under the bed.

I can't talk to the bag.

I cry again. Tonight.

xxxx

This is me , 26th January 2011.

I hope I will look back and learn.

I hope I will be around.

Day 2

If anything ends, I hope these inscriptions will be an explanation.

My days are filled with ambiguity.

I feel like I don't have a reason.

I write this, in hopes that if I do come out of this someday, I will look back , read this, and pat myself on the back for being able to come out of this rut. And, so that I will understand that i need to go through the bad, to savour the good.

But if I don't make it, it's alright.

xx

My days , my days, are filled with ambiguity.

I drive. My legs are on the pedals, my hands on the wheel. It's auto mode. My mind is elsewhere, and my eyes, tearing.

I work. My body feels detached from my head (or brain, more to say.)

there's another being living in there. It tells me what to do. It says stuff, it speaks to me all day long. And I fight it. My thoughts branches. Many levels, many depths. Each on its own continues to speak, and they are all of different ideas and they all speak at the same time.

The chaos in my head, I cannot control. Each thought has a life of it's own and they are all arguing amongst themselves. It is noisy, and I have no control. No control what so ever.

I'm tired.

I go to sleep, in hopes for rest but they never tire. maybe, for a while they do, (while the subconscious takes over with my vivid adventurous and sometimes scary dreams) but just one wake, and all the living beings atop each segmented branches wake up as well and start processing thoughts, opinions, ideas and question that i have to rush to answer so that I can go back to sleep,

So that I can stop the palpitation

So that I can be at peace.

they don't stop.

Flight of ideas, frequent defenses. I'm fighting myself and I'm losing the battle.

No, I'm not crazy.

How did I come to this?

For years and years, and you would think that you can progress, and grow..

Why have I not?

Why does my soul still feel empty? Why is my mind in a clutter? I see no clarity.

Things used to be different. I was the strong one, who could bear it all..or, was it just what I thought?

It feels different. Something is missing. Something doesn't seem right.

I don't belong here. I'm supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe doing the same thing, but elsewhere.

xxxx

How do you spend so much time with someone and then just break away

Time and again, it has been repeating. Just how much can I take? Will I one day be bitter and cold? Or, will there even be a 'one day' as time is passing and age is catching up.

I say I'm well beyond my age, but i guess I am wrong. Cause if I were, I'd deal with all of these better. I'd be smarter, I'd be stronger.

One cannot cry everyday. One can't tear at the second the thought of loneliness sets in. It's not normal, is it?

You try to wake up with a reason but by mid-day, you've forgotten the very reason and all you seem to want to do is run.

But I have ran. That didn't help.

xxxx

I'm sorry you had to meet a person like me, I'm sorry if I have caused you any pain.

Just so you know, I feel no better.

So long you are happy.

xxxx

I beg, I kneel and I pray.

i hope YOU are listening