Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 6

The ghosts of the past are back, and they are haunting me.

I feel no cheer, I feel no happiness.

My soul feels withered, it feels torn.

The voices speak the whole day. The only thing that stops them are the voices of real time.
I need to be around people, or they will never stop.

They go yapping away, telling me things. Making me think. Every single thing that is said, or seen is analysed.

They never seem to tire. They say that I walk funny. They say that the person beside is staring.
They feed my mind with thoughts and opinions that I have no control over.

These are the ghosts from my past.

I'm going down in gloom like it used to be.

It feels like everybody hates me. It repeats over and over again.

Nobody can stand the person that I am. Anybody who gets close to me, eventually gets sick of me.

They get fed-up, they go distant, then they leave.

And I'm left picking up the pieces.

But the voices have no mercy on me, they continue to comment, they continue making me feel like an idiot. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I say is right.

I'm trying to get out of this hole that I have fallen into. I have not reached its depths and I do not wish to. I wish, somebody will help me.

I missed two weeks of church cos I overslept. The church was my only refuge.

All the mind processes are tiring me. I feel weak, lifeless and tired.

I wish they would stop talking. I need not their opinion.

I am useless.

My family's across the sea, I have done nothing for them. My aunt's sick in the hospital, and I am not there for her. I have done nothing for my ill sister.
I spend my days in gloom.

I feel small, I feel low. I just wanna leave it all, and go to a place where I can be alone and decay, and hopefully leave in a peaceful manner.

I cry everyday. It's not normal. I know that everything that's going on with me is not normal.

My mind has no rest. I see the circles around my eyes.

I may have slept for hours, but the moment I get up, the voices start , my head starts. I dont see an end to it.

I need help, but I'm not too sure who I can go too.

My wonderful friends who have been nothing but supportive are also getting tired, and I do not wish to trouble them. They can only support so much.

I can't go to my family as they need me to carry the burden.

Who am I going to go to?

I am not crazy, I really am not. I hope I'm not.

But I'm analyzing everything that's going on with me, it is not normal.

I don't wish to be dependent or desperate, but will someone help me?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

11:08 pm  

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