Hoping

If I understood everything,

I wouldn't be needing explanations.

I ask,

Because I care, because I love

Not to get into your skin

Not to be dramatic

There's so much pain

It's reaching 4 months

I've missed my friend

Yes, I was in love with you, BEFORE.

We're friends now,

I deserve that respect, at least.

There could have been 1001 ways of solving this problem;

and you chose the 1001th solution, which is silence and distance.

I don't know if you know how I feel, or if you even care.

But as long as you are happy.

Memories of you and me will always be alive.

And I hope someday, you will grow out of yourself, and see that the world isn't just about what you think is right. Look at everything closely, and you'll see that you do exactly what i do that makes you mad.

Be happy always. I love you.

Day 6

The ghosts of the past are back, and they are haunting me.

I feel no cheer, I feel no happiness.

My soul feels withered, it feels torn.

The voices speak the whole day. The only thing that stops them are the voices of real time.
I need to be around people, or they will never stop.

They go yapping away, telling me things. Making me think. Every single thing that is said, or seen is analysed.

They never seem to tire. They say that I walk funny. They say that the person beside is staring.
They feed my mind with thoughts and opinions that I have no control over.

These are the ghosts from my past.

I'm going down in gloom like it used to be.

It feels like everybody hates me. It repeats over and over again.

Nobody can stand the person that I am. Anybody who gets close to me, eventually gets sick of me.

They get fed-up, they go distant, then they leave.

And I'm left picking up the pieces.

But the voices have no mercy on me, they continue to comment, they continue making me feel like an idiot. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I say is right.

I'm trying to get out of this hole that I have fallen into. I have not reached its depths and I do not wish to. I wish, somebody will help me.

I missed two weeks of church cos I overslept. The church was my only refuge.

All the mind processes are tiring me. I feel weak, lifeless and tired.

I wish they would stop talking. I need not their opinion.

I am useless.

My family's across the sea, I have done nothing for them. My aunt's sick in the hospital, and I am not there for her. I have done nothing for my ill sister.
I spend my days in gloom.

I feel small, I feel low. I just wanna leave it all, and go to a place where I can be alone and decay, and hopefully leave in a peaceful manner.

I cry everyday. It's not normal. I know that everything that's going on with me is not normal.

My mind has no rest. I see the circles around my eyes.

I may have slept for hours, but the moment I get up, the voices start , my head starts. I dont see an end to it.

I need help, but I'm not too sure who I can go too.

My wonderful friends who have been nothing but supportive are also getting tired, and I do not wish to trouble them. They can only support so much.

I can't go to my family as they need me to carry the burden.

Who am I going to go to?

I am not crazy, I really am not. I hope I'm not.

But I'm analyzing everything that's going on with me, it is not normal.

I don't wish to be dependent or desperate, but will someone help me?

The End Where I Begin

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Now I'm alive
and my ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain
I've been holding on
The cure for a heart
Is to move along, is to move along
So move along

What don't kill a heart

Only makes it strong

It's the End where I
End where I
End where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away

Wishing you well

I picked up my old phone, and I read some messages in it.

Time frame : jul-aug 2010.

I can't stop crying.

Why did I meet you?

i will never know why I fell in love with you.

You tried hard to help me move on. I think you felt my hurt, and you were trying to help me

I read those messages, I can feel your hurt

I can feel your pain

Sometimes you think I don't understand you, but I do.

In your mind, you think that I think you're a bad guy

Why do you think I fell for you?

Cos you have a good heart

I can still feel your pain

I sense your loneliness

I know your want of being with somebody, to be love, to give love.

xxx

I only want you to be happy

I honestly do

I'm sorry for the times in your life that things were hard and complicated.

I never meant it

The tears that fall from my eyes, they tell of the sincerity in myy wish for you to always be happy

I wish you will stop hurting inside

I hope you will find happiness

i can't give you the happiness you want

but I hope somebody will

I hope those Fridays when you drink your life out with alcohol in sadness will end

i hope your heart will stop aching

I hope you will be at peace

I will always pray that love, joy and happiness finds its way to you.

and

I hope I will stop crying, knowing that you are finally happy.

Day 5

My mood's a little better today. Got some procedures done at work, which is fulfilling.

But still unhappy as ever

xxx

Call from a friend, she seems to be going through the same thing. A phase, maybe?

Life is not suppose to be THIS hard. It is just not suppose to be this hard.

I like my work, I don't like the fear.

I don't like the patronizing atiitude.

I don't mind the hours on an on call day, but the rest of the days: I want time to myself.

and the PAY SUCKS. At least, if I got paid for the hours I put in, I'd be happy.

xxx

Meera says we should open a restaurant. Maybe we should

xxx

if workwas the only problem, maybe I'd be able to handle it

but

I'm dealing with all the other issues.

A friend, a person I care so much for is going distant....Maybe it's for the better, maybe it needs some getting used to

Why do I fall in love with people who don't feel the same way.

It's sucky. It's humiliating and embarrassing.

But i've told myself. As long as he is happy. Always.

xxx

What do I really want to do?