Day 4

When I was young I always used to be sad. And alone.

Was /is sadness inherited?

I didn't have the best childhood, but i t was ok.

I used to speak to my bag and school shoes. I told them, and the age of 8-9 years, I think, that, I am sad now but will be happy when I grow up.

Parents weren't at home, it was me , my rebelious brother and retarded sister. And the never ending house work.

So, yes I spoke to my bag and my school shoes. My school shoes had a mouth, you see, and it blabbered whenever I walked to school. Couldn't repair that one!

So now that I've grown up, am I happy?

Well the uni days of my grown up years were happy, at least the first two and a half years.

But

If I REALLY look back..there were similar days such as today where I am down, sad, and just sad. Yes, I said it twice.

So i have not really changed.

No progress.

Same old same old.

i used to sit in my room, stare out the window ask myself a million questions , cry, feel a lot of guilt, loneliness.

And it is STILL happening today.

xxx

A friend of mine seems a little distant. Yes we've had our history.

But I feel so detached.

it's weird.

One moment we're so close and just like that we aren't anymore.

Could I have done anything differently?
Could I have been a better friend?
Could I have been more understanding?

Maybe this is a beginning of a good thing? I mean, REALLY, who likes hanging around an emotional, irritating wreck?

I don't blame my friend.

xxx

Nischal, you're going back to when you were 12.

yes, the days now feel the same. Gloom and sadness.

When I felt that nobody cared

When aunties only wanted me around only because I was good with the cleaning and the baby sitting.

When we ran and hid in the room when the loansharks came knocking at the door.

When mummy was the only one working and the only one for us.

When I spent the whole day just talking to myself, cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.

Days I sat out the balcony waiting and waiting till night time for mummy to come back, for dinner, for some love. There were days I just fell asleep.

Why are the days feeling the same?

I don't like it.

Those days there was such gloom and misery. Fights, lack of money. Fear.
I don't know how else to explain that gloom.

I'm actually really scared.

People say you can control your emotions. I'm probably born without that ability.

Memories of years back..

I can't stand this gloom.

I can't hide under the bed.

I can't talk to the bag.

I cry again. Tonight.

xxxx

This is me , 26th January 2011.

I hope I will look back and learn.

I hope I will be around.